Honesty

We are taught that honesty is a virtue. And for the most part, I agree. For instance, apparently it is no longer socially acceptable to wear underpants with yoga pants. Perhaps this was never socially acceptable. I can take the honest criticism that underpants and yoga pants are not a becoming combination. But given the number of things unbecoming about me sweating my unflexible body through yoga, I don’t think I will be changing my ways any time soon. Perhaps my glaring panty lines will distract my fellow yogis from noticing the even larger lines between my heels and the mat whenever I attempt downward dog. I do appreciate the heads up nonetheless.

With kids, though, it is easy to see the fine line between honesty and tactlessness. My kids are no different from any other kids. They are curious about the world. They want to understand when something is different or strange to them. I am also no different from any other mom, which is why these observations can feel uncomfortable.

Of course, the real jewels are saved for me. Observations about my breasts (otherwise known as my “tummy” in these parts), nose hair (“What are those pointy things?”), careless shaving habits (“Why are you so scratchy?”) and pimples (“Ball!”) are all fair game.  (No panty line observations yet because, come on!, people are supposed to wear underwear!)

For the most part, these observations roll off me. I understand that they are just curious and there is no animosity behind them. Usually I respond honestly and make a mental note to buy a push-up bra. Sometimes, not often, I’ll explain that a comment about how I look can feel hurtful. But generally, I am not hurt or made uncomfortable by these comments. I am happy to talk about the parts of me that are different.

When it gets tricky is when these comments are made to people outside our family.

My first time witnessing one of these innocent but awkward interactions, it was not my child doing the questioning. My oldest was then maybe a year old and we were seeing a short play. It was extremely casual, and everyone was sitting on gym mats waiting for the show to begin. A woman in front of us sat with her child. She had a lot of facial hair. Not a full beard, but close. A young child turned to her and asked “Are you a boy or a girl?” The woman responded, “Great question!” and then calmly explained that some women are born to grow more facial hair than others, and that usually when this happens women shave. She had decided she didn’t want to shave, and that she would just be comfortable with what she was given. She then asked if the child had any questions. The boy’s curiosity was sated and he went back to waiting for the show to start.

I was so impressed with this interaction. The woman could have felt upset or judged, but at least outwardly she didn’t. She was honest, open and calm. She diffused any potential negative interaction and turned it into a teaching moment – not just for the child, but for me.

As my son learned to talk and grew more curious about the world around him, he began to make similar touchy observations. One memorable trip to the zoo, he loudly proclaimed “Mommy, that man has the biggest belly EVER!” I don’t think the man heard him – or at least he feigned deafness – but it gave me my first opportunity to channel the calmness of the woman at the play. We talked about weight and how some people may feel uncomfortable with their size, so it’s best not to make observations out loud about it just in case. This completely perplexed my son, who couldn’t comprehend why it would be a big deal. If he were tall, we could comment on it, but we can’t comment on his weight? It was an interesting conversation, and surprisingly difficult to talk about so openly.

We’ve had many others questions since, questions about age, size, ability and skin color. Even knowing that they are coming from a place without malice, they can still make me hold my breath. It has been one of my biggest challenges as a parent, checking my knee-jerk response of shushing them or scolding them, and instead working through their well-intentioned questions with honesty. I’ll admit, sometimes I just have to let one go (for example, “Everyone who gives out samples at Costco is so old!”), but for the most part, I try to answer them. If I am not honest and tactful with them, how can they learn to be so themselves?

Have you had any of these awkward moments yet? What has been your strategy? Let me know in the comments.  Honesty

9 responses to “Honesty

  1. Oh man. My son has said some doozies. I often acknowledge his observation, tell him why it’s not necessarily kind, and also point out something complimentary about the individual so he hears the kind of comments people want to hear about themselves.

    Like

  2. My granddaughter (now 5) commits the occasional slip-up on this front as well. I give her the same counsel my very wise grandmother gave me so many years ago. Simply ask yourself these two questions before you speak: Is it true? Is it kind?

    Like

  3. Thanks for sharing! I agree with you and it’s always awkward and funny when a child is just bluntly asking a question that is not supposed to be asked. However, I feel in this time there is no place for honesty anymore either. We are living in society where no longer you can say, ask or think something that is not politically correct out of fear to offend someone, regardless of how innocent and kind your intentions are. That is one of the reasons why I encourage children to talk, observe and ask questions. Learning is always a good thing. When a child ask a question, people will not get offended. They understand, and that gives us opportunity to talk and educate them on something that hasn’t been addressed before, so rarely I feel like it’s a bad thing.

    Like

  4. Great conversation starter, Ali! I’ve been on the receiving end of some of these questions (I got a lot of “boy or girl” when I had pink and purple hair) and yes I’ve felt awkward (“why is his belly so big?”), but I also think there’s something so inquisitive and precious about it. There’s no evil intent in their question, they’re learning and finding out how people are different.

    Like

  5. I’ve had one or two of these with my daughter (my son is still blissfully unobservant) and I’ve had dealt with it pretty much the same way you have. I do think it works, though….

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s