Not sure how many kids you want? Or whether you want to have any at all? I’ve been there! In order to help make your decision a little easier, I’ve come up with this definitive* quiz to help you determine how many kids you should have. Make sure to keep track of your answers as you go along!
*and by “definitive” I mean “totally made up”
1. When going to the bathroom, how many people do you like looking at you?
D. Three or more
2. How important is a clean home to you?
A. Very – cleanliness is next to Godliness as I always say!
B. I like my home to be pretty clean, but I can deal with a few areas of mess.
C. I like to clean one room while the other room gets trashed, and then, while cleaning the room that got trashed, have the newly-cleaned room get messy.
D. It is not important. At all.
3. What does your ideal day look like?
A. Going for a long walk, browsing a book store, getting a massage, enjoying a leisurely coffee at the coffee shop, making a gourmet dinner.
B. Going for a walk around the block, quickly darting into the library, having a child walk over my back, drinking a cup of coffee at home, making organic macaroni and cheese with peas.
C. Going to the end of the driveway, looking wistfully at my bookshelf, having two children walk over my back, drinking a pot of coffee at home, making neon orange macaroni and cheese.
D. Almost being able to make it out the door, what are books?, having three or more children walk over my back, pounding espresso shots, cheese sticks for everyone!
4. What is your fashion style?
A. Heels, pressed slacks, white linen shirt, long earrings.
B. Flats, jeans, t-shirt, small earrings that don’t dangle.
C. Sneakers, yoga pants, t-shirt with food stains.
D. Shoot did I forget pants again?
5. On a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, how highly do you value sleep?
6. Do you like wine?
A. It’s okay. I have it every so often, usually when going out to a restaurant or preparing a special meal.
B. Yes, I have a glass nearly every day.
C. Yes, I have a glass or two nearly every day.
D. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh you’re serious? Yes.
7. What’s your favorite restaurant?
A. Ooh, so tough. Maybe that new French one that’s been getting such good reviews. Or that little hole in the wall I discovered when wandering by myself through a quirky nearby neighborhood.
B. That one that gives you chips and crayons as soon as you sit down.
C. Anywhere where the time between entering the restaurant and food being put into my children’s mouths is less than 3 minutes.
D. I don’t understand the question.
8. What would your dream car be?
A. Something cute and sporty like a Mini.
B. Something safe and practical, like a Volvo.
C. Something that fits my kids and all my stuff, like a minivan.
D. Something that fits my kids and all my stuff, like a tractor-trailer.
9. What is your ideal vacation?
A. Sipping cocktails on the beach in Hawaii while listening to the sound of the ocean.
B. Sipping cocktails on the beach in Hawaii while someone throws sand in my drink while listening to the sound of one child complaining.
C. Sipping cocktails on the beach in Hawaii out of a sippy cup so that I can run after one of my children while the other clings to my leg, listening to the clinging child begging me to slow down.
D. Sipping cocktails on the couch at home after tricking the kids into going to bed an hour early, listening for sounds of disharmony.
10. What is your parenting philosophy?
A. Are you supposed to have a philosophy?
B. I’m sort of a cross between positive parenting and helicopter parenting but with a dash of Montessori-RIE-type philosophy in there too. Oh and some attachment parenting, but not too much. (I read a bunch of articles about them all, happy to discuss further!)
C. I’ve learned through trial and error that some parts of some philosophies work well for my kids, but others don’t. So it’s sort of my own personal blend.
D. Are you supposed to have a philosophy?
Okay, tally up your answers.
Mostly As: You are coiffed and worldly. You are able to carry on intelligent conversations about where to eat and what’s going on outside the four walls of your house. SAVOR IT. Right now, we’re looking at no kids.
Mostly Bs: You still occasionally get dressed up for a date night. You maybe listen to enough NPR that you can carry on a conversation not centered on poop. Hold on to this, mama. You can stop at one.
Mostly Cs: You’ve figured out a few parenting hacks. You know when to let some of the little stuff go, but you still make an effort occasionally. You can stop at two.
Mostly Ds: You’ve figured out that as long as you don’t sweat the small stuff (which counts as pretty much everything) and don’t make too many attempts to leave the house, your household can function relatively normally. So what’s one more? Go for three or more.