The Handy Guide to Whether It’s Okay to Have a Glass of Wine

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Motherhood is a tough job. You’re always on. There are no vacations. Well, there are vacations, but they involve children and are actually much, much harder than non-vacations. It is easy to fall prey to the lure of a glass of wine. And once in a while, that is totally fine. In order to make sure I don’t over imbibe though, I make sure to follow these handy rules.

It might be time to have a glass of wine if:

  1. The number of children under the age of five divided by total minutes napped is less than 60.
  2. You are in compliance with the Poop Rule of Twos: In any given hour, you have either (1) been in direct contact with poop for at least two minutes; (2) discussed poop for at least four minutes; or (3) thought about poop for at least eight minutes.
  3. Your child had a time out wherein you had to hold the door shut to keep him or her from escaping the room for any period of time. Actually, strike that. Your child had a time out.
  4. It is a snow day and/or sick day. And by that I mean, it snowed. Or really, rained. We can’t be prejudicial to those living in warmer climates. Also let’s be sensitive to how badly our little darlings are feeling and say that a runny nose, cough, diaper rash, splinter, or any other form of discomfort counts as being sick. A trip to the ER gives you wine privileges for the week.
  5. “Mommy!” or “Mommy?” has been uttered 27 times or more in the last 30 minutes.
  6. You are making dinner. Quesadillas count. So does mac & cheese. Actually, anything with cheese. Cheese stick: wine it up.
  7. You had to go to work today. Working from home counts. And in case you even need to ask, being a stay at home parent absolutely counts as working from home.
  8. You’re unloading the dishwasher and can’t be bothered to put the wine glasses in the cupboard.
  9. You need more corks for a craft project.
  10. You need inspiration for a cork craft project.
  11. There’s a bottle of wine already open. Or you forgot to open a bottle of wine last night so as to comply with this rule.
  12. It is after 5 p.m. in a major city within five time zones from you. Unless it is the weekend. Then don’t worry, it’s fine as long as it has bubbles.

So there you have it. Hopefully these rules work as well for you as they have for me.

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